So, there I was watching the election coverage at small number o’clock this morning.
Suddenly, and from out of the blue, one of the BBC reporters casually dropped the line that some of the newly elected London Labour MPs 'are off to join a celebration party in a secret location where they will join celebrity New Labour supporters such as Chris Evans, Eddie Izzard and Mick Hucknall'.
Obviously, this story was only covered after voting had closed. Forget the Iraq War and all the rest of the stuff, the thought of voting for the same party that zany Chris, Eddie and Mick do would have wiped Labour’s majority away in the blink of an eye.
And before anyone accuses me of gingerism, some of my best friends have the same complexion as satsumas, they just don’t happen to be arses with it.
A little later on in the morning, the deputy leader of the Scottish National Party was interviewed. Her name is Nicola Sturgeon. Fantastic! Now that Alex ‘the D is silent’ Salmond is back in charge of the SNP, the people of Scotland have an historic opportunity to vote for a party led by two people named after fish.
Conservatives take note. Now that Michael Howard has announced he’s standing down as their leader, Conservatives should take a leaf out of the SNP’s book and rename all prospective candidates with suitably aquatic surnames. For some genuinely inexplicable reason names like David Herring, Theresa Trout, Michael Bream and Geoffrey Carp come to mind. Shame about Sturgeon being taken though. That’s a good one. Mind you the Tories are playing a clever game with their fondness for leadership contests. At this rate everyone in the country will have a crack at the job before the decade’s out and then at least some of us will feel obliged to vote for them.
Sadly, several hours after voting closed, I found out about a party that I would certainly have voted for instead of the Liberal Democrats. They weren’t fielding a candidate in my area but I would have gladly moved just to get the chance to support them. Yes,
The Church of the Militant Elvis Party
They had some cracking policies. I particularly enjoyed this one:
When elected our MP would like to go the Antarctic, stand in front of the icebergs and shout "Stop Melting You Big White Bastards". It won't do much good but it's more than Bush & Blair are doing
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